Wednesday, July 09, 2008
You ever feel stuck? Stuck where you are, stagnant, unable to move, or unmotivated to? I've felt like that for a while. I've felt like that in my spiritual walk, in my role as a mother, in my role as a wife. Like everything is tedious and the same...everyday...but I'm at a loss (or too lazy) to make the changes I know should happen. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am. I know that there are many things for me to be thankful for. I know these things...and yet. I'm stuck.
The paradox with my personality is that I need change. I crave it. I flourish when there is regular change in my life, it keeps me fresh. And when there isn't, I become lazy and unmotivated, and not producing any change on my own. You see the vicious cycle?
Recently, the Lord has thrown a few changes my way that were unexpected, and yet not entirely unwanted. I got pregnant with a third child, just when I was accepting the idea of only two. We left our former church, for many reasons, and have recently found a much better fit for us. I feel like I'm getting true, good, deep Bible teaching for the first time in nearly a year. My third child came five weeks early, before we'd even come close to being prepared for him, and with his earliness have come some preemie-type obstacles that throw wrenches in my plans.
Since Simon was born, I get the feeling that the Lord is showing me what true tedium is, as the better part of my life has been consumed with Simon and his care. I haven't been getting much time with Isaac and Lydia, which is making me very much appreciate all the time I used to have with them, and all the time I will have with them once Terry is back to school. I also haven't been getting much sleep, which I dearly love and miss, and so I'm being forced from the laziness that so easily takes over with me.
And my love for Terry is growing tremendously, as I watch with appreciation as he has taken over care and "management" of Isaac and Lyddie, along with preparing all the meals. He is a cut above what most men in this world are.
And so, as I move through this season of my life, I'm looking forward to being able to once again take over all the tasks that seemed so tedious and mundane before. I'm looking forward to taking care of the house and spending time with my kids. I'm looking forward to preparing meals and fighting the never-ending battle that is keeping our kitchen clean. I'm also anticipating making changes to my person. In the fall we'll be joining the YMCA, which has free child care for members (YAY!), and so I'm looking forward to getting back in shape, and having more energy and a better self image.
In short, I think I'm looking forward to being a better steward to all that the Lord has blessed me with, and I'm trying to start making some of those changes now.